Blessings…

God gives us blessings in so many ways. Through gifts that at times we don’t quite understand. Through prayer and His answers. Through our faithful need to follow Him. We are not perfect people, often feeling like the Lord’s blessings are undeserving. It’s hard to believe that someone loves us “that” much to bring us through each day, to heal us from so many things and to lead our lives to be full of all the blessings He has in store for us.

I believe that God has been working me into the place I needed to be in order to deal well with Cancer. That he prepared a path for me, knowing what would be essential for my soul during all of this.

In 2006 He led me to my biggest blessing in all of this… the man below…

I am not sure I can say more than, “Thank you Jesus!” for this blessing. 🙂 I have absolutely no idea where my life would be, nor do I care to know, if this man had not been placed in my life almost eight years ago. So much has happened in the short amount of time we have known each other; dating, marriage, new jobs, new town, a kid, illness, more new jobs, another new town, another kid, more illness. But through it all my husband has been a rock, my one true blessing that I can’t thank God enough for. I love that he strives every day to care for his family. That he loves the Lord with all his heart that he followed a call into ministry and has stuck with it through struggles that would make other men quit. But for him, “Walker’s never quit!” is a genuine heart filled motto that he lives by. God knew that I needed this man. He knew that I needed the support, unconditional love and adventure that only this man could provide. I know that he was made for me and could easily be the only blessing God could offer me and I’d be ok with that… But that’s not how God works. 🙂

Since graduating from college and starting my first “Real” job I have been blessed to work with people and for organizations and government agencies that have been true blessings to me. I’ve made friends, many of whom have been great support for me and my family during this time. I always pictured myself as a women that would hold a full time job, even with a family. In some ways I still see myself that way. But when our family was called to move to South Dakota, it was a time of change. A change that had me moving into a part time position so that I could spend more time with our girls. I have to be honest in saying that I have not always thought of it as a blessing. Staying home with kids is hard work, harder in many ways then working a full time job. And on many occasions I believe I am not cut out for it. But God does put us in places to support what we need at the time. It has been a great blessing to be able to work 20 hours a week, in a professional position, with full health benefits for my family, retirement and flexibility regarding my time. Some times the blessing that God gives, we don’t like… but He knows better. And besides, I get to work with these lovely ladies…

When I met my husband, a pastor, I was not involved in a Church. I had rarely been in Churches throughout my childhood and early adulthood unless it was a wedding, funeral or a holiday. Two years before I met my husband I had an experience that brought me to a belief in Jesus and an understanding that I needed Him in my life as much as all the things in the world around me. But after meeting Clint, starting to work my way into a Church was not an easy thing. Sometimes Churches are funny… and as an “outsider” it can at times be hard to feel welcomed or apart of the group. But I have come to learn that the Church, a Christian family is one of the blessing God knew I needed during this Cancer phase of my life. God knew that I needed Him and His son and the Holy Spirit to bring me strength and comfort when nothing else can. And also to give me the understanding that there can be growth from trials and struggles. He knew I really needed the power of prayer. I can at times almost feel it. I know that there are so many people out their praying…if you’re one of them, keep it coming. 🙂

God also put Clint and I in a Church during this time that has been understanding of his time needed with his family. They have provided meals, help with the kids, hugs. Many have also contributed to us financially, a blessing in itself. And besides, we get to worship in this gorgeous building…http://unitedchurcheshotsprings.org

Well I could probably go on and on about all the blessings God has put before me. I’m sure there are many more I will receive before this Cancer journey finishes… at least I hope and pray there are.

 

My girls :)

These are my girls… Karis (3.5) and Mattea (1.5)… both going on 25! At one point in my life I didn’t want children, to birth a child, have mini-me’s. But as life changes, you find someone to love and marry, you realize that to have a child (or two) makes your life and your life together just a little more fun, exciting and of course responsible. My girls have taught me things, have showed me things and have given me love that I wouldn’t change for anything.
Many people have mentioned how hard it must be to have two little ones while battling Cancer. Yes, it is hard. It is tiring. But I really feel that besides the day to day care of our girls, it has been a blessing to have them so young through all this. My girls won’t remember much, if anything about this time. Their mom being tired, grumpy/short with them or my bald head. They will see pictures I’m sure. They will ask questions about my breasts when they get older. I will tell them how much they helped in my fight daily during the time mommy had cancer and chemo. They will know that they need to be comfortable with their bodies and to be vigliant with their family history of Cancer. But most of all, this time in their lives was full of love, and hope and time together growing as a family.

Taxol Week “Seven”~ was a “no go” thank heavens

Note to self and others, Taxol is NO joke. “They” say and I have said that Taxol is sooo much easier to take then AC. It is true. I still believe that… in some ways. Over the last two Taxol infusions I started to feel the effects. Joint pain, especially in my knees, hips and shoulders. Muscle/ bone ache in my thighs, arms and back.  Some tingling and numbness in my feet and hands. It’s that “hit by a bus” feeling of the flu, coupled with extreme fatigue and overall crappiness.

After my sixth treatment it just all seemed to come to a head. I was tired most of the weekend. Then that Monday was Presidents day and I got to be with my fun, energetic and apparently tiring 3 1/2 and 1 1/2 year old beauties… the energy of toddlers can age you and if you are undergoing chemotherapy… flat knock you out! By Monday evening I was crying… crying about how bad I felt, crying that I wasn’t able to do the things I’m use to doing, crying because I was just tired of it “all” and was just wishing  to be done with this journey. Needless to say I stayed home from work the next day. Sleep with the aid of my now dear friend “V”, for vicodin and felt semi better to return to work on Wednesday.

With these Taxol treatments I only see my oncologist every third infusion… this week happened to be one of those weeks. When I arrive at the Cancer Center I always get a blood draw and a questionnaire to fill out about how I’ve been feeling and any side effects I have been having. I meet with my own personal research nurse since I’m in a drug study and then see Dr. R. Now… when I go to the doctor of any sort, I tend to underplay my conditions. “I’m doing good” usually equals, “I’m not feeling that great.”, “I hurt a little.” means, “Man, I’m dying here… give me the good drugs!” Since getting married, my awesome husband has been good at interpreting for me. Like when delivering our two girls, both times he told the nurse, “Yeah, she is saying it’s ok and that means she wants her epidural NOW!” Or like when I was delivering Mattea and I kept saying, “I don’t care, get IT out of me!” He looked at the doctor and nicely said, “what my wife is trying to say is she would like a c-section.” I love him for being my intrupertor, however this time, at this appointment, I was hoping he wouldn’t taddle as to how I’d been feeling… that didn’t happen.

I told the research nurse that I had been having a little pain, a little numbness and some tingling.  Clint says to her, “She asked me to take her out back and shoot her!” (I was kidding of course!) I still kept saying that it’s not that bad, it’s what getting the Taxol is all about… but truth be told, I’m now glad my husband is a taddle -tell. I was not a happy camper when Dr. R came in and told me that it was protocol to take a week off from treatment when these conditions occur and then start back up the next week with a less dense dose. I offered to sign something saying they wouldn’t be liable if they gave me my infusion anyway. They had already filled out the research paperwork and they noted that they get audited on the paperwork and they could lose being apart of studies if they changed things… i noted that is what they make white-out for.

So… No week seven Taxol for me! And to be honest, I’m thankful. As the day’s have gone by since last Thursday I now realize that had I had my infusion, I would most likely be in bed with my friend “V”. That my husband is truly not a taddle, but loves me and doesn’t want to see me suffer. And that the Cancer Center medical staff, even though I was lets just say, throughly pissed at them last week, now realize they know what they are doing, have this “Stupid Cancer” thing figured out as best they can and want the best out come for their patients.

Here’s to hoping that this Thursday is smooth sailing. I get me a Benadryl nap and I can say thank you to those involved in my care… for caring 🙂

Taxol Week Six~ Just give me my fix…

Here hangs my “fix”. There are usually about three more bags hanging from there by the time I’m done with my infusion, but I took this picture before I passed out from the Benadryl.
This is my sixth infusion of Taxol… my weekly “fix”. By this infusion it is all status quo. I know what is coming, I know what the nurse is going to ask and say. I come in, sit down, get poked and hooked up, get high from the Benadryl, then get sent on my way… my “fix” of poison.

Heated cozy blankie, soft pillow by hospital standards and lounging in the recliner… off to my weekly sleepy time nap.

The Face of Taxol…below is what it is all about thanks to www.breastcancer.org.

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Brand name: Taxol

Chemical name: Paclitaxel

Class: Taxane chemotherapy. Abraxane and Taxotere are other taxanes.

How it works: Taxanes interfere with the ability of cancer cells to divide.

Uses: Taxol usually is given in combination with other chemotherapy medicines and is used after surgery to:

• reduce the risk of early-stage breast cancer coming back
• treat advanced-stage breast cancer after it stops responding to standard chemotherapy regimens that include an anthracycline

How it’s given: Taxol is given intravenously.

Additional information: Taxol uses solvents to dissolve paclitaxel, the main ingredient, so the medicine can enter the bloodstream. These solvents may make Taxol difficult to tolerate while being given. People usually take pre-medications to minimize reactions to the solvents.

Side effects:

• low white blood cell count
• susceptibility to infection
• allergic reactions
• hair loss
• numbness in the fingers and toes (neuropathy)
• weakness
• vomiting
• diarrhea
• mouth sores
• irregular periods — this can include temporary cessation (usually resume after medication is completed) or permanent cessation of menstrual periods depending on your age and other factors

Taxol Week Five~ It’s building…

   For the last few weeks I was singing the praises of the Taxol. Yes, it has been sooo much easier on my body and mind. The AC made you feel like a zombie, a very yucky zombie for about five days and then you had another week or so to recover before the next. But Taxol […]

Looking good, feeling good= Free Stuff!!!

Last week I attended the Look Good, Feel Better program hosted by my Cancer Center. It is a program of the American Cancer Society. The class is offered once a month at my hospital, I have put it off. I have wanted to go cuz I heard you got lots of FREE stuff, but really didn’t want to as it just seemed like another, “Look! I have Cancer-fest.” The room was full of about 12 women, most of whom were recently diagnosed. I was the only one in the room sporting the cue-ball look. There was another women with her wig on, but the rest where pre-chemo hair loss. It was interesting to hear about their fears regarding hairloss, boob loss and general body changes during Cancer treatment. Some I could relate with, others not so much, but nice to know your not alone.
Here I am with my eye brows penciled in. I was the test subject as I was the only on without any, making me an obvious eye brow model. 🙂

Also the test subject for scarf tying. I took it home… even though I will probably never wear it on my head. Why? You may ask… well, I can’t tie a scarf on my head, I’m not the coordinated and I like being bald!

 

 

 

Here is some of my free swag! All name brand products. There was a licensed cosmetologist present that went through make-up basics and other beauty tips during Cancer treatment. I was most happy with the great moisturizer and some new nail polish!
The program can be found here: http://lookgoodfeelbetter.org/

Taxol~ Week 4~ 8 more!!!

Chemo cube sign during my fourth Taxol treatment. I like these signs one, because they give me something to look at. Two, they give me something to take a photo of. And three, really do speak to encouragement during the Cancer killing process.
Sometimes with Cancer it does feel like you are just living for today, surviving another day is sometimes all you can ask for. But in life and living there is always something to laugh about, yes, even Cancer. Love is forever… whether I live one more day or fifty more years, I know the love I have for others and the love they have for me will be forever. Cancer makes you think 🙂

Hooked up to the good stuff again. Weekly Taxol treatments are starting to gain on me… and by gain, I mean poundage 😦 With the steroids that are given weekly, not having energy, lots of fatigue and well eating poorly I have gained about ten pounds in the last three weeks. (FYI… not good for a bariatric surgery patient!) So they up my dose of Taxol this week, which in turn I think gave me a few more side effects than normal. But I still have to say, Taxol is like a Hawaiian vaca compared to AC! (Now… back to protein first and a little exercise!)

See… getting your Taxol infusion is like a Hawaiian vaca… Chemo cube light cover.

Yep… mentioned earlier about gaining weight… Steroids or maybe the Egg McMuffin??? Oh, or maybe the hashbrown! 🙂

The Cost of Cancer…

So today I was wondering just how much the cost of my Cancer care has been. My insurance plan year runs from July 1 to June 30, so really I am only half way through my plan year. I first went to the doctor regarding the lump I found on August 1, 2013. Had my mammogram, ultrasound and biopsy on August 2, 2013 and had not been to the doctor in the mouth of July earlier in the plan year. So when I was looking up the total cost of care on my insurance website today, all the claims are related to Cancer.

I was actually quite surprised by the total. I was thinking that it was going to be much more than it was.

*The largest claim was for my bi-lateral mastectnomy that included the start of reconstruction, that totalled $65,475.19.

*I had same day surgery a month later to put in my PORT for the chemo process, that totalled $10,624.33.

*Each round (4) of my AC treatment was $4,454.99.

*The Neulasta shot that I was given to boost my WBC the day after chemo cost $4,537.58. I had 4 of those as well.

*Having a low WBC allowed me to catch the wonders of Influenza A, resulting in a four day hospital stay totalling $19,137.01.

*My weekly Taxol looks to be the least spendy, totalling $1534.03. I will have 12 of these by the end of March 2013.

All of these big ticket items, plus numourous other doctor appointments, medications and such have made a grand total of $124,459.32.

I’m very thankful for insurance as we have only paid approximately $10,000 of that total out of our pocket. And we as a family have been blessed by family, friends and our Church to help with some of that cost. A large portion coming from my grandmother’s estate after her passing last year. I know she would have wanted us to be able to use that money for the girls education or savings, but being a Breast Cancer Survivor herself I know she would have been happy to help anyway she could.

Anyways, just thought it was interesting! We will see what the next five months of costs brings us for a grand total for Cancer Care in a years time!

It’s pretty “Rad”…

 

Not to need Radiation!!! We met with Dr. E last week at the urging of my medical oncologist. The Oncologist thought maybe that due to my age and having a positive lymph node that radiation may be needed after I finished chemotherapy. (Even though I had a bi-lateral mastectomy and all my lymph nodes on that side removed…hence… not much there left to radiate.) Thankfully, Dr. E believed that the benefit I would receive from radiation (3-5%) and the percent chance of short and long term side effects pretty much cancelled each other out. He thought that there was no real benefit of five days a week, for five weeks of frying my armpit/chest… yippee! Now… I would have done it, thrown the whole kitchen sink at my Cancer if it was necessary. But, boy am I happy to not have to.

There are many differences in all the doctors that I have seen during this process. Some have been “Go and get it” doctors, shoot and fire at those nasty cancer cells and don’t quit until, well… don’t quit! Some have been “Research and studies show” doctors, using their stats and AMA journal to prescribe what treatment should be used. I’m thankful that I have had what I think are good/great doctors during this time and that each has approached their specialties with skill and knowledge, because God knows when you are in this Cancer world, you need professionals to make some decisions for you, with you. You need people that know their “stuff”, because there is NO way to know it all yourself.

Week 3 Taxol~ A Quarter of the way through

Chemo cube sign. Cancer is an obstacle. The process of becoming Cancer free is like an obstacle course. Over this, around that, through the tunnel and out the other side…

My lovely mountain view in the Chemo Cube. The Benadryl they give me to prevent reactions from the Taxol puts me to sleep for about an hour during the infusion. This time I stared at this scene until sleepy time came…Benadryl can make you feel, as the great John Denver sang, “Rocky Mountain High” 🙂

Taxol #3 Selfie. If you look closely, you can see my white colored peach fuzz appearing on my noggin. Taxol isn’t taking hair from me like they said it would… another added bonus.